I have been stirring over this blog post for a little time. I anticipated it’s arrival. The last year has completely changed us.
There’s so much I want to say, but I will try to keep it short.
This past year.
Blindsided is the first word I thought described the year, but then growth came to mind.
This time last year the journey was just getting started. July 3rd we found out we were expecting and by July 29th our whole world flipped upside down. We would go on to lose that pregnancy on August 9th.
The medical term was “blighted ovum”. Human terms is the fertilized egg attached to the uterus, a sac formed, but the baby never did. My body never caught on and never naturally miscarried. In my own mind I thought my body had tricked me to thinking, feeling, living like I was pregnant. My heart totally broke when I had that first ultrasound.
I don’t know, maybe I never properly grieved. I didn’t know how. We never really talk about these things. What’s normal? Was I crazy to feel hurt? I picked myself up and I moved through the next 6 months as best as I could.
Hope returns… I thought.
January 27th, we got those 2 pink lines again. Anxiety rushed through me like a hurricane, but I honestly thought God wouldn’t do that to me again.
This time at 6 weeks 4 days we had a heartbeat! We were told it was a little low, but nothing to worry about. So I did my best not to worry, but I worried. I worried I’d feel that heartbreak again.
9 days later, on Nick’s birthday it all fell apart… again. As tension filled the room, we were told there was no heartbeat. As I type this, I can feel that break in my heart like I am sitting in that Doctor’s office. We moved forward with a surgical D&C the day before my birthday. I was sent on my way with some pain pills, hormones that were about to plummet, and left to make sense of it all. I felt empty.
I turned to God because I really didn’t know what else to do. I knew I couldn’t do this on my own
Outside I tried to keep it together, but in these 4 walls I was a complete mess. Countless times Nick had to peel me off of the carpet just so I’d stop getting snot and tears on it. I traded the carpet for his shirt and eventually got it together.
I was confused and hurt. I had all the support around me, but felt so alone.
Did I hear God wrong? Maybe He intended for me to rescue all the puppies in the world and be a dog mom. I’m pretty good at that.
“Maybe we shouldn’t try again.” I’d tell Nick. I couldn’t do the HOPE then heartbreak thing again.
Was something wrong with me? I read and read and read God’s word. I listened to worship music which totally changed my perspective. I KNEW, I just KNEW He intended more for me. There was no way He intended to break my heart without having a plan.
Between God, His word, my INCREDIBLE husband, our family, friends, and my work family, I was supported. I was loved. I was hurting, but I was supported and loved.
Life continues on
There’s a lot of in-between moments, but I really want to get to this next part. AND I know you have things to do and can’t be reading this ALL. DAY. LONG.
The last year has been a rollercoaster, but a beautiful transformation. While we are so grateful God has moved us in ways we never expected, we look forward to the year ahead.
I have to first tell you that my incredible Nick in the last month was accepted in to the store manager training program. A promotion he has worked so tirelessly at. A promotion we prayed and prayed for. I am inspired daily by my husband’s patience, hustle, and heart.
At the right time, I, the LORD, will make it happen. – Isaiah 60:22
We’ve learned a lesson in God’s timing and God’s blessings. He has fulfilled His promise to us.
After every storm comes the sunshine and we are so grateful to say our
SUNSHINE BABY IS DUE FEBRUARY 2, 2018!
Memorial Day we got our two pink lines for our sunshine coming in February! Almost 14 weeks in and our little one is growing as he or she should be. Twirling around in there and giving us first pumps on the ultrasound! A strong heartbeat and already SO loved!
We are so excited to welcome God’s gift… our littlest Panda… our Sunshine… Baby Bear early next year. God is so, so good and FAITHFUL.
I prayed for this child, and the LORD has granted me what I asked of him.
– 1 Samuel 1:27
If you’ve made it this far, thank you! If you’ve prayed, hoped, or believed for us this past year… THANK YOU! Prayers are still welcome for a healthy delivery and for this Momma’s anxious heart. 🙂
A final thought.
Preparing to write this was hard. I had no idea how, what, when I would share our news. All I could think about was the women who were in the exact same position I had been in months ago.
Worried she would never get pregnant again. A woman still experiencing the loss of her own child. Worried something was wrong. Worried she heard God wrong.
1 in 4 pregnancies will end with the heartbreak of a miscarriage. 2% of women will experience 2 consecutive miscarriages. 1 in 8 couples will experience infertility struggles.
In all the statistics I know there are real women.. real couples… real families navigating this journey. I also know that 100% of the time, God has a plan.
I want just one person to see, even in the heartbreak He is there. I want one person to get hope back and to keep pushing forward.
If you are moving through a season of unknown, hurt, waiting… don’t lose courage. Gosh, waiting was the ultimate word God chose for us this past year.
If you are in one of those seasons or maybe you just need reassurance, can I share some songs with you? These songs got me through the toughest days…
On the Throne, Desperation Band – “For the Lord is
He is able, He is faithful
Higher than the mountains that I face
Every season, I will press on
For God alone, is on the throne”
Still, Hillary Scott – “You’re parting waters
Making a way for me
You’re moving mountains that I don’t even see
You’ve answered my prayer before I even speak
All You need for me to be is still”
Take Courage, Bethel – “Do not forget
His great faithfulness
He’ll finish all He’s begun
So take courage my heart
Stay steadfast my soul”
Do It Again, Elevation Worship – “Your promise still stands
Great is Your faithfulness, faithfulness
I’m still in Your hands
This is my confidence, You never failed me yet
I’ve seen You move, You move the mountains
And I believe, I’ll see You do it again”
THANK YOU FOR BELIEVING WITH US!
Ps… the pink dress is not a hint of any kind. 🙂
It’s just probably the last time I will get to wear that beautiful dress in the next year or two… or 3! 😉